실험용입니다.

기절했다 간신히 돌아온게 고작 1, 2시간인데 피로도 풀리질않은채로 깨어나다보니 좀 그렇네. 힘들어. 아파.

그낭 약해진 마음에 기대보고싶었는데.
응, 역시 아니갰지. 그건 아니겠지. 괜히 걱정하게 만드는건 바보짓이야. 사람 쓸때없이 어그로끌어서 신경쓰게만들며 기럭빼앗는건 내 주제에 가당치나 않는 일이야. 응

지금은 뭔가 둑에 금이가서 조금만 누그러뜨리면 제대로 터져버릴둣한 기분이야. 느낌이야. 이상하게 눈물도 나오고 막 그래. 히히히.흐허허허ㅏㅏㅎ하하하... 에휴.

우울해지긴싫다. 죽어가긴싫어.그러니까 함부로 그렇다고는 말 안할꺼야. 확정짓고 싶지않아. 입밖으로 계속 튀어나오려는걸 입술물고 틀어막고 있어. 그걸 내뱉었다간 진짜 무너질것같아.
그러니까 안돼. 안됀다고. ..후..ㅇ..

흘려보내자. 흘려보내자ㅡ 제발 제발 흘려보내자ㅡ
모조리 흘려 사라져버리기를 제발 제ㅏㄹ.. 으.... 으으ㅡㅡ
하.ㅇㅇ. 코가 막혀버렸네 허

아프지않고싶어 그냥 있고싶어. 그냥. 날 내버려두면 좋겠는데 자꾸 왜그래. 편해지고 싶어 진짜 그냥 편해지고싶은데 후우..
ㅇ ㅇ

미친듯이 머리속에서 다 검열되는맛이 뭐라 생각해?
뭐 미리 자기세뇌로 쐐기를 박아버린 결과물이기야 하지만.
의식의 준동이 시작되는 찰나에 모조리 다 Cut해버린다고.
욕설이든 뭐든 아예 생각조차 불가능하게 산산히 흩어지게.
정확히는 한 음절정도의 생각이 떠오르자마자 바로 생각을 찢어버리는거지. 그딴걸 떠올리지 못하게.

자기를 동정하는건 쓰레기나 하는 짓이야.
이 말에 나는 동의해. 아직 내재화단계로 쐐기를 박아버리진 못했지만 계속 쑤셔넣는중이야. 약한 소리를 생각조차 불가능하게 만들어주면 이런일도 줄어들겠지

사람을 이해할 수 있지 않을까라고 짧게나마 믿었던 시절도 있었지만. 감정의 둑을 낮게 약하게 해두던 시절도 있었지만 이미 결론이 나버렸었으니까. 응.
이 물건따위로는 그런거야 불가능한거니까.

그러거보니 저래서야 약같은걸 처방받아도 다 효과없을수밖에 없었네 히히히히히히히힣

바보가 될 수는 없으니까. 응...
떠오르는 온갖 일들은 그냥 닫고 있는게 좋은거야.
괜히 긁어 부스럼낼 필요야 없지. 아무렴 당연한 일을.

그래. 이딴 푸념과 한서린 쓰레기들을 어서 봅쇼하며 보이지않은건 다행이야. 뭐 글자쳐서 입력후 쏟아냈다는데서 이미 아웃이기야 하지만.

하지만 이러지않으면 더 꿍쳐져있다 더 큰 혹으로 돌아오던걸.
이성도 감각도 마비된채로 완전히 머리가 굳어버린채.....
뭐 사람이 두 번 다시 실수를 반복해서야는 , 그래서야는 안되겠지.

그래도 진정은 되어간다. 그래. 이걸로 좋아. 충분해.
그냥 이대로. 이대로면 되는거야.

그걸로 좋다. 그걸로 충분하다.
바라지마라. 아무것도 그 어느것도 바라지마라.
그 무엇도 기대치말자. 자기라는건 결국 모조리 무의미하니.
너는 가질수도 없고 바래서는 안돼는걸 탐해서는 안됀다.
그 뿐이다.

그저 물건은 물건인채로. 그저 움직이기만 하면 된다.
그저 적절히 쓰여질 수 있으면 그걸로 족하니까.

.dice 0 100. = 12

.dice 0 100. = 2

.dice 0 100. = 65

.dice -100 100. = -8

.dice -100 100. = 56

.dice -100 100. = -97

.dice 0 0. = 0

.dice -999 999. = 187

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　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　／////////////////////////////////////////////////////＼

.dice 1 16. = 12 1

.dice 1 100. = 14 40

.dice 1 100. = 63 40

.dice 1 100. = 15 25
.dice 1 100. = 88 15

.dice 1 100. = 42 15

.dice 1 100. = 51 20

.dice 1 16. = 11 1

.dice 1 100. = 19 40

.dice 1 100. = 67 40

.dice 1 100. = 92 25

.dice 1 16. = 3 1

.dice 1 100. = 88 40

.dice 1 100. = 43 40
.dice 1 100. = 61 15
.dice 1 100. = 33 25

.dice 1 8. = 7 1

.dice 1 100. = 15 25

.dice 1 100. = 41 15

.dice 1 16. = 14 1

.dice 1 100. = 43 40

.dice 1 100. = 81 40

.dice 1 100. = 40 25

.dice 1 100. = 41 15

.dice 1 100. = 76 40
.dice 1 100. = 50 25
.dice 1 100. = 74 15

.dice 1 100. = 71 25

.dice 1 100. = 90 90

.dice 1 16. = 8 1